It’s now time stop putting on the front in front of the camera. I promised you that I would keep this as real and as raw as possible.
I have been struggling with the thought of moving out to the village. It is a thought that disturbs me for many reasons, regardless of how much I want to do this. I moved to Siem Reap 8 months ago and it has now become my everyday reality. I’ve developed close friendships here, I have support and I have a lot of stimulation to keep me busy. I’m about to move out after 8 months of trying to settle in to a town so foreign – a challenge in itself. I fear a lot of things right now. I fear the nostalgia I might feel after leaving my new home, Siem Reap. The memories I have made here are so close to my heart, they have become part of me, part of my identity – that may be the issue. On a journey like this, it’s important to remain as detached as possible. You don’t know where you are going to end up, and becoming attached and comfortable with one thing or one place can lead to emotional turmoil.
I struggle with the thought of going to the village and being bored and lonely. The taste of loneliness I have experienced since being in Cambodia is unmatched compared to anything I have ever felt. I can only imagine it will be more intense once I move out to a rural region.
Ill lay it out for everyone straight up. I have been trying to overcome a particular obstacle that has crippled me my whole life – caring too much for what others think of me. Since starting ‘This is Philanthropy’, the thought of being in the public eye has caused some issues for me, personally. I fear putting my stuff out there and I get caught up in a vicious cycle of trying to perfect my work. I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I will never produce perfection. I think any artist will tell you that striving for perfection is the biggest mistake one can make. This is an obstacle that I am trying to overcome with each day.
Slowly, I am coming to terms with everything and I am preparing myself emotionally and mentally for what is to come. I would be lying if I told you it was all pain. For the most part, I’m excited and motivated to get this show on the road. This is the life I have chosen, and I wouldn’t trade for a thing in the world. I guess, it’s a lesson learned here – that no matter how much fear you feel, you should move in spite of it if what you are chasing is something that has meaning to you. I don’t think fear will ever be absent, especially in the pursuit of artistic and entrepreneurial ventures.
I’ve found myself waking up during the early hours of each morning feeling the nerves and the pressure. I’ve had people tell me that they doubt I will last out in the village. These comments add to that level of pressure I feel. At the end of the day, I have my eyes on the prize. As much as this is for me, I try to stay in touch with the bigger picture. There is more to this journey than what my ego would like to have me think. I have decided to go out and serve both the people in the village and the people who follow me online. When you seek to serve those around you, you take on a huge responsibility. Adding value to the lives of those around you is the main objective here.